I’m finally in a relationship. It’s with someone I didnt expect. He’s the guy I never knew I needed. It’s my first relationship ever and i’m hoping it will be the last. I know that sounds so idealistic and naive but that’s how I always pictured it to be. Sometimes I bounce back to being logical and think that I’m just carried away because this is my first; other times, I’m so sure he’s “the one”.
We are in a long-distance relationship (LDR). It’s not what I wanted but if I want to be with him, that’s how it’s going to be; at least for a few years. Sometimes I question myself if I can really be patient enough for this. It’s hard to be with someone who can’t be there for you most of the time. I love him and I really want to be with him but can’t I find this same feeling of love and trust with someone else? Someone who’s physically present. Is it worth it to wait for him? To wait for us?
I can go on and on about how much I love him and the things I love about him. This is my first relationship but I feel like I had my fair share of guys; guys I sort of dated for a bit but not fully committed to. My point is I think I’ve come to a place where I know what I want out of a relationship and he is someone I really want.
Not everyone is perfect of course. I’ve always been a fault-finder and I have seen many in him. This may sound too judge-y but know that I’m fully aware of my own faults and I’m so grateful that my boyfriend accepts them (at least it seems that way). I try my best to accept his flaws as well but sometimes it makes me wonder if I really have to tolerate them. I’m not going to list down every flaw but I’m going to mention the two that are always circling in my head:
1. He is too generous to a fault. I know it sounds like I’m just looking for something to complain about but this is an issue for me. (It stems from an older issue I had with my dad.) I feel like he is a bit too loose with money because he genuinely wants to help people and thinks he has more than what he needs. He is completely the opposite of me. I don’t think I’m greedy. I’m just frugal. I like putting myself first – making sure I’m prepared for my future so I will be more well-equipped to help others. Sometimes I think this is good because we can balance each other other out. Sometimes I feel like a greedy, dictating monster who subtly asks him questions about how he spends HIS money. I just think this is something I should consider if I’m thinking of marrying him.
2. He is not assertive. I worry about him because he is too kind and people sometimes take advantage of that. This is somewhat related to the one I mentioned earlier. He gives too much of his time, money and effort. It comes to a point that it becomes detrimental to him. He complains a bit but in the end, he just gives his best to do it. Most times it’s because he just allowed himself to be in that situation. He could have stopped himself from volunteering or asserted himself and said something in the first place. Sometimes he feels compelled to help people because he’s a bit of a people pleaser. He likes to be needed. He has to go out of his way to help and it takes out so much of him. It doesn’t always turn out the way he wants them to be. One example is when he loaned a big amount of money to his friend. Now, his friend isn’t even talking to him or showing any intention of paying him. I had to force him to do something instead of asserting himself a little bit. I know it’s just money and it can easily be replaced but I think he can at least try to get back what he deserves and not just consider it as a lesson learned.
He doesn’t normally tell me what he wants. He said he doesn’t want to be controlling. He doesn’t realize that what he is doing is not any better than simply being assertive enough to ask for what he wants. He just gets emotional and puts me in some sort of guilt trip by telling me how sad or disappointed he is about the situation but it’s still okay because he can’t do anything about it. He never even told me or asked me what he wanted. He’s being manipulative and acts sad so i’ll feel bad for him. That’s his way of trying to get what he wants. I can’t always guess what he is thinking so he better ask me instead of acting like I should pity him. He knows i like to please him and do things for him. He needs to understand that asking is not being demanding. It is a normal way to communicate what you want and how you feel.
I know I may sound silly and a big complainer but I can’t help but notice them. I have told him these concerns and I am just hoping for the best. I am at least thankful that his flaws are mostly because he is too kind. There are worse things to complain about. Haha I think I can accept all these things and we can deal with them all. We love and respect each other enough to try and work things out.
What really takes a toll on me is the fact that we are in an LDR. I know I really hate it and I’m not sure if I can stand it for a few more years. Based on our estimated timeline, we have to stay this way for 3-5 years more. What’s even worse is that I can only talk to him about 3x a day. About 30 mins in the morning before work. 30-45mins during lunch and then a few hours after work. It’s pretty manageable when we are in the same timezone but there are so many times that we have to wake up at 3am just to be able to talk for a bit. It just gets so exhausting.
You may ask why we can’t just be together in one place. It’s because we can’t afford to be together yet. We can just say “come what may” and be together. We have other people we need to worry about than just us. We have responsibilties to our families and to our “future family”. He is still supporting his family and that may take him 3 more years before he can start diverting his funds for himself. As for me, it may take a few more years as well. But more than that, we just think that we can’t settle where we are originally from and have a comfortable life because the opportunities there are very limited. Our plans to migrate are already in motion but it’s going to take 3-5 years to happen. There is still so much to consider here but I’m not even thinking about them anymore. Above all else, I just hope that I will be able to accept our situation and deal with it. I wish I will be strong enough to wait it out and not be too frustrated. I need to keep remembering that it will all be worth it.
I guess today is one of my weak moments. I think I should be happy that he is coming home soon and will be staying for a few months. After that, we’ll just see what happens.
It sucks to be me sometimes because no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop overthinking. I’m still doing my best to just chill and not think too much about the future. I need to learn how to live in the moment.
If we are meant to be together just how I want us to be, great but if not, it will suck so bad. It will be really sad but I’d rather we realize and accept it than trap each other in a miserable and endless cycle.